Concentrate on your "Inner" beauty. ....REALLY?

It's 2:30pm. Another day at work, another day at school, another lunch down the calorie hatch. Hell yeah I'm full! But don't fret, I'll be paying for it later at my school's gym after 6.5 hours of class and 5 hours of work before that. I'm getting to that dangerous point when I'm about to go crazy from NON-dieting. Yes, many of us go crazy from dieting, which is understandable because it's a serious bitch; but you know you've officially gone off the deep end when you go periodically insane from non-dieting. It's awesome for a month or two, you try to forget your obsessive habits, eat dessert more than usual, and skip the gym visits. But ohhh NO NO! Once you notice your pants feeling a little snugger than the month before, the feeling of inferiority creeps back into your mind like the fat little kid in all of us creeping into the cupboard for some midnight cookies and milk! And you're the angry mother waiting patiently with a belt ready to give yourself a nice hard spanking. Who are you to think you can escape? You're back on the dieting roller coaster, so buckle up, ladies!

How many times have you heard the phrase "Inner Beauty". I think it's use is pretty redundant since model backlash began some years ago. Obviously anyone writing about inner beauty as it relates to women is only rebelling against the serious pressure that this society puts on females to look a certain way, and trying to help us all cope with the fact that we will never be a god damn Victoria's Secret model unless we were born in Brazil with a body type that makes up less than 1% of the entire human population. It's seriously amazing that even though these people are literally walking genetic mutations, they are all we see in commercials, magazines, movies, television and more recently, music. Because we all (women AND men) have become sensitized to seeing these hotties daily, it's almost a shock when we see an average sized actress in a commercial. Tell me you don't do a double take when you see the chicks on the Dove campaign for "real" beauty...yeah, we're all guilty. Our minds automatically detect something a little "off". How do you think this translates to real life? With the younger generations living their lives through social networking, it seems that being ultra thin is coming WAY back in style. Kids who are 12 look 16 and are shamelessly posting mirror pictures of their tiny bare mid-drifts. I'm not hatin' because I would be lying if I said I didn't ever want to look like some of these lucky gals, but it's pretty sad for a 12 year old to even be considering their weight, let alone flaunting their bony bods around the community. SO YEAH, we get a ton of feedback from smart sources telling us to BE PROUD of our bodies, concentrate on our minds and be happy with our "curves". You know what, I'm just sick of it. Telling me to be proud of my curves is the equivalent of telling me to love my fat rolls, and I'm just not okay with it. Everyone just needs to admit that American society is obsessed with looks and that if you're skinny and good looking you get more opportunities at generally everything. So, yes, I will continue to try to concentrate on my inner beauty and the inner beauty of others, but I'm sure it will be difficult. And I know it will also be difficult for you, as I've heard the running jokes about overweight people as they pass by as we all have, and I've been insulted by these comments myself at times. Where was my inner beauty then? It certainly didn't help me out. &I know that you all know when Victoria's Secret fashion show is airing, and that you're patiently awaiting the evening when you will confirm your self loathing doubts and watch in awe of a woman you will likely never be. It's likely that she'll never do anything more substantial than walking while being thin, but you'll still feel shitty. At this point just think, I N N E R B E A U T Y!

Oh, I've been here before.

OH HI! You all know me, Searching for inspiration are we? procrastinating? Killing time? Killing self? maybe, but maybe not! I just thought that if I joined a blog and told people how I REALLY feel I might be able to "sort it all out". You know, the shit that eats away at you daily but you just bury it and hope that one day you'll achieve that impossible goal, and PRESTO, you're totally cool. Yeah well that hasn't happened yet, at least not for me. So here I am, waiting for encouraging comments ablaze. This blog is basically going to be about my 10 year battle of the bulge. My obsessive thoughts about food and my bod and how all the people around me seem to be fighting the exact same losing battle or simply fueling my ever growing fire. I am a successful confident woman, right? Why should it make me completely uncomfortable when I see a girl walk by who is half my size? BECAUSE I WAS CONDITIONED THIS WAY! It took years of vanity obsession, teasing, boot camps, dieting, running, losing, gaining, measuring, weighing, rejoicing, guilting, familial "pressure", familial "blockage", and competition with models, LITERAL MODELS, to get here! I am thoroughly aggravated. I am thoroughly INSANE! And I am ready to talk. LET'S DO IT.